I’m back

So I know long time to write, but I’ve sorta had a lot going of in my world lately. So let me give you an update….

Well G and I are officially over, got fired from a job, made some really bad decisions that really hurt some people who I loved and who cared about me, I had a suicide attempt, and spent some time in Ridge view (a treatment center near me), and now I am slowly putting my life back together.

The break up was pretty nasty. Although I loved him like crazy (and still do), he was incredibly abusive, sexually, emotionally and physically. But I stayed because I loved him, and as a very wise person once told me, we accept the love we think we deserve. So please don’t judge or get preachy about how I should have left him sooner, I left when I could and now I deal with the damage that he did.

So my suicide attempt was a disaster and one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made, and yet sometimes I find myself wishing it had worked. I know thats horrible and I beat myself up every time that thought crosses my mind, but some days it’s hard to find the fight to live. Ridge View was good for me though, I got some meds that stopped the suicidal thoughts and learned coping skills and made some amazing friends (god I miss them). Now that I’m home though every day is a struggle to get out of bed and make it through the day, but somehow I do it. Im thankful for my amazing therapist, friends, mom and my amazing wednesday night support group. So today I’ll do things 5 min at a time and tomorrow will worry about itself.

So know that I love y’all and the post should be more frequent now 🙂

Love Ya!
-C

More Than Birth and Babies

ADVENTURES OF A LABOR NURSE

Perinatal nursing is sweet and magical and everything you think it would be.  But everyone only thinks of the birth and the babies.  No one ever thinks or talks about the pain of pregnancy, the heartbreak of infertility, or the difficulty of death.

I remember once I was working triage, and I seemed to be seeing patient after patient.  Of course, I didn’t think the charge nurse was helping me like she could have.  I felt swamped.   By lunchtime, I had finally cleared all the beds in triage and was finally going to eat breakfast when a patient walked through the door with a slew of family members.  As she filled out her paperwork, I gave the unit secretary a look and she smiled at me.  I was thinking that I was about to see my 7th patient in 6 hours for a “I’m bleeding when I wipe” issue.

The patient was…

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He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss)

The SisterWives

Released in 1963. I did NOT make up this post title. I wish I had.

*Trigger Warning: Domestic abuse

In the history of the world, no one has ever loved anyone the way I loved my husband.

I felt that way all the way up until the moment he dislocated my rib cage.

He bought me my first car. I didn’t own a car until I was in my 30’s. I grew up poor. My first car was the BUS.

We’d only been dating 4 months when we celebrated our first Christmas together. He presented me with a brand new, cherry red Mazda Miata convertible.

I LOVED that car.

I named him “Herbie.” As in, the movie “The Love Bug?”

The very first week, I logged 800 miles, visiting every friend I had in the tri-state area.

FREEDOM.

For the first time in my life, I experienced the exhilarating sense of…

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The Complete Taxonomy of Engagement Photo Poses

The Marrying Kind

(From Carl Lacey’s Flickr.)

I used to wonder why people do engagement photo shoots. What are they… for? Do you not have enough pictures of the two of you together from your relationship, so you feel like you need to reach some sort of quota? Do you think that all the other photos of you that you’ve accumulated over the years look too natural? Too un-staged? Too comfortable? You suddenly realized you forgot to do a prom pose under a gentle cascade of cherry blossoms – and once you’re married it will simply be too late?

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Chopped Challenge

I adore chopped and kinda yell at the tv while watching and yes the dishes i come up with in my head are always better than whatever the winner creates

GASTRO-a-go-go

Food Network is slowly taking over the world. Or, at least, our Hulu channel at home. What will the dueling chefs do with their secret ingredient of…SEAWEED? Will that chef finally listen to the judges and get a bandanna so he quits sweating all over his fancy risotto? Is that super tall cake shaped like Sponge Bob going to fall over and more importantly, will that lady with the downturned mouth even dain to look at it?

My current favorite is Chopped, where competing chefs receive a mystery basket with various ingredients and need to prepare a dish for judges to…judge. The main thing I’ve gleaned from the show so far is to be wary of using the ice cream maker for your dessert, and that if the judges are watching you from behind their fingers, you’ve probably burned something.

Even though I don’t have a basket with a top, I always imagine…

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Catching Boners: The Cost of Banning 6 Porn Sites in Lebanon

the ROAR movement

I know I struggle with my body image and put lables on every last flaw. But I think its time for us to learn that we are beautiful.

Im so tired of listening to beautiful girls complain about the way they look, yet secretly in my head im thinking that I wouldnt be complaning if I looked like her. I think its time to stop comparing myself to everybody else. My body is my story. Its a physical and daily reminder of who I am and what ive overcome. I am powerful and I am beautiful. 

Check out the ROAR movement bby clicking below… It’s a pretty amazing movement! 

the ROAR movement.

Depression

Depression is ugly, its lonley and its dangerous. Depression is poision.

Alone.
That one word sums up how I feel right now.
Im alone.
Im lost.
Im lonely.
Im broken.
Im depressed.

I was in a meeting this afternoon and my phone buzzed in my pocket. My face lit up at the glipse of hope that after 10 days it was him, thanks at&t for letting me know my bill has been paid.

I feel dark and twisty
Ready to cut but I know if I do that ive already use ‘just give me one more chance’ a few times to many.

I think its over
8 days short and its over
He finally walked away
The one promise he made and he broke it
I guess forever doesn’t exist
And thanks for the broken heart
After all ive put it back together before
Well more than once
At least 6 times
I guess rings dont mean anything
And forever doesnt exist
Oh, and thanks for the broken heart

-C

Suicide and the Narrative of Choice

bottomfacedotcom

Whilst reading about the tragic death of the great Robin Williams I repeatedly stumbled upon the narrative of choice. Places like Psychcentral spoke about suicide being an “insidious choice”, but a “choice” nonetheless, so much so that they repeated the word to drive the message home. Meanwhile, whilst perusing social media I repeatedly came across variations of “people who commit suicide are selfish”, “how can anyone do that to their family?”. These sorts of comments make me twitchy. We’ve all heard them before.

In my own case they were personalised and weaponised, “How could YOU do that to your children? Do YOU not care about them?” I did, that was the problem. For some time I had felt like a millstone around the necks of my family. I loved them, but hated myself and could only see the ways I made their lives worse. After 2 failed suicide attempts in…

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Big Tits Porn Star

So last night I found boyfriend’s and his brother’s so very affectionate nickname for me, big tits porn star. They fucking refer to me as big tits porn star. Ladies let me ask you, would you be pissed if you found out your fucking boyfriend called you something like that. Maybe I’m just super sensitive or something but I was pissed, but more than pissed I was hurt. I know G never meant to hurt me when he called me that, but It did. Over the years with my dad I had to deal with not only hearing other women called a lot of degrading things, but also being called things that were very degrading and demeaning. I’m not mad at him anymore I’m just hurt. Last night I got to deal with the nightmares and the flash backs again, and unfortunately I wasn’t comfortable with reaching out to him for comfort. I’m so exhausted and grumpy.
– C